Go broke

Here is a rubbish drawing illustrating a large percentage of my Christmas gifts.

Randomly, I just "camwhored" for my bff's article and good god you would think it would be an easy thing to do but camwhoring really requires skills.

I feel damn ugly.
I look like a donkey butt.
I don't understand how anyone could like me.
Now I feel sad.

Okay yes so.
Christmas this year wasn't as depressing as I had anticipated it to be because of a certain aquatic life form's involvement in my existence. She's really really pretty, here's a picture:

I KNOW, RIGHT?

While this is supposedly me:

☟

Enormous and covered in lumpy barnacles. Albeit slightly majestic. But that's just the effects of my l33t photoshop skills. Without it, I merely look like this:

No shit, brah.

I am the love child between a Blobfish and a Humpback Whale.

...

Also, I really need someone to take good care of my money for me because I spend like a millionaire but am nowhere near that financial capacity. According to Banny ban ban,

Should I intentionally nurse a deeper and closer relationship with my younger sister because she is a Cancerian and therefore can be trusted with handling monetary aspects of my life? Am I a crazy horoscope freak for actually considering this? Does everyone around me judge me already? Is my life doomed to perpetual seemingly baseless horoscope-driven decisions?

NO.

I FERVENTLY REFUSE TO GO DOWN THAT ROAD.

>:

Alright maybe a little.

But only because this horoscope forecast kiiiiiiiiiinda sorrrrrrta corresponds with my life. Specifically in the area of my spending.

My name, repeatedly.

My colleague.

Behind my chair at work.

While I rush out an edm.

It makes my anxiety work up. I think I need to start bringing Alprazolam soon.

"Whatever you have always been a robot."

I hope you are happy.

I hope you find someone who wouldn't be as tainted as I am.

Not a bully, wouldn't take you for granted, treat you like diamonds.

Someone who wouldn't force you to grow up any faster than you should.

Sensitive, understanding, not a robot.

Pretty, cute, musically inclined so you both could start a band together.

Intelligent and established.
Someone who wasn't so insecure and skeptical so she would believe you when you said those 3 words.
and she wouldn't run away because she'd believe you without any convincing.
Someone who wasn't so afraid to fall in love, of commitment.

Everything I was not.

<3

The world might end on Friday so,

Please let it end though, Universe. Do you suppose by using the Law of Attraction, I might be able to achieve world annihilation? There has been a trend of sorts with people falling out, tracing enemy lines with bloodstained fingers (oh lookit me. Sorry. I've been reading) so my theory is that we would all kill each other.

I'm cool with killing.

That fact usually scares people.

But I mean it in the most guileless way. There is serenity in the act of ending a person's life. Seeing their eyes roll back, their hands fall limp, their entire body a mere shell. The person you knew / never knew just another one of us without its ego.

Okay yes so that was heavy. Here's something light, but not really.

............................................... Kitty: ... but what if they can't speak about the things you care about and
................................................all your conversations are frivolous and surficial?
............................................... Oppa: If I really like a person it wouldn't matter. I don't need them to be
................................................interested in such things because I know who to go to if I wanted
................................................to discuss deep things. If they are not fun, I have fun friends who
................................................can do fun things with me. It shouldn't matter.


So I was pondering over this new concept and realised that the notion would deem a partner an accessory. What purpose would they serve? Company? I don't know. Ugh am I thinking too much. Wtf is this. I need my brain to stop working for a bit. Every time a new perception is introduced to me, I cannot let it go until I figure out if it makes sense or not!

A few peculiar things:

I.
I seem to be experiencing an odd...
stirring.
As I usually put it.

II.
It is impossible to predict what I usually can predict fairly simply.

III.

Sometimes I turn into a baboon lord.

IIII.
Things are progressing in an manner unusual to me.
(refer to point II.)

V.
I have not smoked for 2 whole days
!!
!!
!!
I know right.
OMG.

VI.
I look like the love child between a shark and a stapler.

VII.
My best friend isn't online today.
Work just got 98% more meaningless.

VIII.

Christmas is approaching and I...

won't be bringing a date to my family's dinner this year.

Which is a first since...

2007? 2008?

XI.
"I wish I could take away your sadness."
is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me ever.
Screw ilu and what not seriously.
(not that I disregarded her ilu)
(sorry)

XII.
Christmas is approaching and I...
won't be buying presents for anyone this year.
Which is a first since...
FOREVER.
(okay, since I was 16 or smth idk.)

XIII.
Christmas is approaching with lacklustre cheer
and more than anything,
I would really like to disappear.

bunny oven time

.................................................................Kitty : Let's put it at 250º!

.................................................................Jelly : No, cannot!

.................................................................Kitty : But it says here that the maximum temperature for... IS THAT A BUNNY.

.................................................................Jelly : No... it's a turkey...

It's a bunny. The turkey is the one at the end. 

Also while sketching this, I realised there was a BULL.

Where is this oven from and what the fuck is going on in that part of the world?!

A picture!

My oppa and I have so little pictures together, it is quite possible to count them. I think this is the second picture ever.

...........................................................Me : It makes me cringe when people post pictures of  ..........................................................themselves and their partners with mushy, cheesy captions 

...........................................................declaring their undying love.

...........................................................Oppa : What's wrong with that? People love each other what.

...........................................................Me : Okay then I take picture of our Macdonalds

...........................................................and post on Facebook saying, "oh, today was the first time 

...........................................................my oppa and I ever ate Macdonalds together."

The conversation was funnier in the car.

It really was the first time we ever had Macdonalds together. It's quite amazing. As in not Macdonalds, but the fact that we had known each other for 3? 4? years? and have always eaten at...

OH MY GOD NO IT ISN'T THE FIRST TIME WE HAVE HAD MACS TOGETHER.

There was this time when we ordered Macs at 7am after partying, feeling like shit and being damn bloody tired and we ate in awkward silence in the dining room while my parents chanted their buddhist hymns.

My whole life has been a lie.

Boy parts.

Yesterday's meeting.

Surviving on 3 hours of sleep today.

Hooray.

On crying

While on my way home from work today, a girl walked past me crying.
She seemed like she was struggling with her tear ducts so I went up to her and extended a packet of tissues.

She smiled a sad smile and I told her, "everything is going to be alright." Which, on hindsight, was rather presumptuous of me since you know, maybe things aren't ever going to be alright for her. She could be planning suicide tonight. Whatever the case, she accepted it with a polite, "thank you" and I gave her a pat on the back.
Her sniffles lost a bit of control then but they were quickly placed back on silent. I told her that she wasn't alone, and I wished I could cry. Then walked away.

Revealing personal information to strangers you'd never meet again is strangely liberating.

Cute.

....................................................................... bffff : what... on earth... lol

........................................................................kitty : my feelings / interests fluctuate

........................................................................bffff : lol

........................................................................kitty : if I don't meet the person enough, I will forget them.

........................................................................bffff : .................. see the dots? ......................

........................................................................kitty : it's not normal?

........................................................................bffff : not really, no.

........................................................................kitty : I think it's legit.

........................................................................bffff : not legit to FORGET them.

Also, there seems to be a trend, of sorts. With how people show interest and then slowly fade off into the dark recesses of nothingness. It's happened twice. That's enough to make me doubt myself. So I have concluded that I am either a) boring, or b) ugly or c) friendzone material d) all of the above. I will be single forever I swear to god. Just as the tarot had predicted.

"You will BE SINGLE (forever until you die and rot in hell and reincarnate and live alone as history repeats itself for many lives) even if there are people who like you because..."

There is a because.
But that's too personal.
And one of those typical, "it's not you, it's me" reasons.

p.s/ I made up the shit highlighted in bold, lol. No but seriously. Upsetting.

Is this why?

Is this why I can't cry? Is it because I am weak?

Body issues

At Zoukout, I thought it would be nice to be hoisted onto someone's shoulders and feel like the world was at my feet as I fist pumped and partied on top of the world. There is this girl I used to think I fancied a lot (turns out I was only so wildly fixated on her because she was so unattainable and I like unattainable things but the exhilaration from the chase wears off rather quickly). She is a lot taller than I am and she'd lift me every time we hugged but yesterday she said I was, "heavy now". Heavy now. Heavy Now.

So this is me at Zoukout in a bikini.

Left to fester in my fats by myself on the margins of the beach probably after I'd killed someone with my butt while trying to sit down on what I thought was the ground but was in fact a human because I couldn't see past the perimeter of my waist.

(Dear person in the picture, I admire how comfortable you are with your body and would like to be as comfortable so if you could teach me your ways I would be incredibly grateful.)

Sorry for being so irritable and melodramatic but my period is arriving soon (in theatres near you) and my thoughts are going out of control. As if I didn't feel insecure / inadequate enough on a usual day already. Last night, I picked a fight with my sandals for not sliding comfortably and effortlessly onto my feet so yeah the situation right now is pretty much intense.

All I want to do is stay at home under my blanket with a good book and disappear into another world.

But I can't do that.

As I work.

So I'm just going to ignore everyone until I feel like talking again.