Is this why?

Is this why I can't cry? Is it because I am weak?

Body issues

At Zoukout, I thought it would be nice to be hoisted onto someone's shoulders and feel like the world was at my feet as I fist pumped and partied on top of the world. There is this girl I used to think I fancied a lot (turns out I was only so wildly fixated on her because she was so unattainable and I like unattainable things but the exhilaration from the chase wears off rather quickly). She is a lot taller than I am and she'd lift me every time we hugged but yesterday she said I was, "heavy now". Heavy now. Heavy Now.

So this is me at Zoukout in a bikini.

Left to fester in my fats by myself on the margins of the beach probably after I'd killed someone with my butt while trying to sit down on what I thought was the ground but was in fact a human because I couldn't see past the perimeter of my waist.

(Dear person in the picture, I admire how comfortable you are with your body and would like to be as comfortable so if you could teach me your ways I would be incredibly grateful.)

Sorry for being so irritable and melodramatic but my period is arriving soon (in theatres near you) and my thoughts are going out of control. As if I didn't feel insecure / inadequate enough on a usual day already. Last night, I picked a fight with my sandals for not sliding comfortably and effortlessly onto my feet so yeah the situation right now is pretty much intense.

All I want to do is stay at home under my blanket with a good book and disappear into another world.

But I can't do that.

As I work.

So I'm just going to ignore everyone until I feel like talking again.

*

enter and leave as you wish I don't really give a shit
as long as you clear the doorway of your footsteps
and the rubbish you have piled up along the sides
and your old shirt
your old hat
your old stained pants
your old bags
your old whatever
your old everything
all of your unwanted paraphernalia
please take them along with the good times that amounted to nothing afterall
because the bad ones flushed them through the corridor
into the kitchen
past the garden and into the abysmal lane of
'bullshit'
while the bad times stayed for a cup of packet milo and
okay
you know what
just take them with you as well.

keep them as a reminder of the time we've wasted
the loss of friendship
and what could have been,
of the lies you told
the shit you did
your inconsistencies
and the years that separated our lives.

even if everyone had said that we were great together,
don't forget to close the door behind you
i'll lock it from the inside.

*

goodbye.

我不是一个阴道

I am not a cunt.

I always try to avoid starting a paragraph with 'I' but this is an exception. 

I am not a cunt.

I am not a cunt, you motherfucker.

Sometimes people don't understand what you're doing and when there's a language barrier, things just get a bit more difficult. 对不起 is barely adequate. This thing has been going on for a month and I never intended to hurt anyone or break any friends apart. I am not a bad person. I am not a cunt. I am not a jibye. Especially since I've said from the start a solid 'no'. No means no there's only black and white no grey in betweens. It's your business from thereon if you want to hang on or something, I don't know. But no means no. I am not a cunt. A cunt wouldn't have the decency to say 'no'. Or mention explicitly 我有别人。A cunt would string a person along until they've served their purpose. I am not a cunt.

There goes another handful of friends. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe become a hermit or something, seems like a good plan. Life is so ironic sometimes, I'm sick of it.

Let me just sit here and not make a move anymore because I'm so fucking tired of this bullshit.

Sunsets

Arm under neck at 5am, her place.

I lied.

Stroking girl.

Here's a drawring entitled, Girl stroking girl's eyebrow.

Somehow I don't like it anymore. Initially, I did. This was the 5th drawring I've done in 2 days and I hated ALL OF THEM. Now I am starting to hate this too because it is not perfect. The leg is awkward. It bothers me also that the pole isn't straight and the girls kind of look alike.

So hmm, I've been sad.

But that's alright because my palm lines tell me I am destined for world domination!

Been learning about random things from variety shows listed below:

1. Palmistry

2. Hypnotism exists and is fucking scary.

3. I am the biggest lesbian on earth.

☜☝☟☞

I'm sorry I know I can be a major bitch and absolutely cruel when I don't give a shit about someone anymore.
If you think it's about you, it's probably about you.
Or you.
Or you.

Lol.

I've been really horrible to some people lately and it's bad.

But you know it comes to a point where you are just like, why do I even care? Why do I have to pretend I give a damn about their feelings when I honestly. don't? Why should I have to give it to them gently or kindly when doing it as bluntly as possible would be much more effective? Why are they still lingering around like the lover's stain on my sheets, adamant despite my protests of dismissal? What am I doing wrong? Why would anyone even fancy a broken person like me? Why can't I let myself believe that they like me so I could let myself feel safe enough to like them back? What is wrong with me? Why can't everyone just fuck off and die? Who is eating shrimp wonton?

And why aren't they sharing it with me.