I hate this.

The fuck is wrong with me.

The fucking fuck. Fuck.
FUCK.

FUCK LA. FUCK.

time passed

hello monday.

there was a scheduled interview today and i missed it because i honestly forgot. isn't that responsible. well wasn't really interested anyway. not that i should take it for granted, but still.

i had a lot to say but those thoughts just floated away.

which makes this.
rather pointless.
except for the following sentence.

i hurt my foot.

because the whole universe pretty much evolves around it ya know what i mean.

that was just a joke.
the real deal is:

i thought for a moment that i had emotions like hey, i'm human. that is rare. the first ever occurrence. that weird feeling lasted for 2 days and then i ran dry. no one is special enough. my life is sad. now i'm an alien again. hey y'all.

but i like someone.
i mean, i've liked her for a million years thereabouts so
its no big deal really.
except for the fact that i think i ruined it. as usual haha. something is seriously wrong with me.
i have an extraordinary habit of running from people i really like. BUT NOT THIS TIME BITCHES.
just sayin'

ya so if it fails i will really cry this time...
i think.
?

Here's a picture

Taken by my ex, who happens to be a really great friend.

Hi ya'll, I'd just like to say that I am fucking delirious. I smoke a little too much, swear a little too much and go crazy a little too much these days but I am happy. There's so much going on I can barely catch my breath. I've been so caught up in myself I'd forgotten how it was like to live. If I should stay still, I'd see the tornado that is the world spiraling by me bringing along with it everything and everybody and all the fun I've missed out on and their laughter would slowly fade away so I have held my breath for awhile now trying to catch up and that is alright. 

The other day I encountered an elderly man climbing up the steps like he had a million backpacks to carry or something and I thought to myself that he ought to have an umbrella in this rain. Would you like to know how it feels like to offer help? It is fucking awkward. Or maybe that's just how I am. Awkward as hell. The conversation went like this:

"Um.. ah bang? Is it.. ah bang? Shit. I mean, not shit but yeah okay anyway HI. Uncle. It's raining. As you can see. Here's an umbrella."

And he took it from me like I was giving it to him. Which I would gladly have done if not for the fact that it wasn't my umbrella but my mum's. She loves her umbrellas. So I snatched it back and offered to walk him home.

While carrying the umbrella trying to balance it on my elbows and smoking with my other hand, I guided him through the rain, his footsteps going at the count of one followed by a hesitant two, which was by the way, really slow, he told me about his life. All about it. Old people just like to talk about themselves so there wasn't much for me to say except the occasional, 'mm' and 'cool'. On hindsight, I hope he understood what 'cool' meant. I hope he didn't think it meant, 'sex' or something like that or 'whatever'. Within those 20 minutes I felt like I had gone through a movie about his life but he didn't know anything about me and I thought I'd like a person to reveal at least something about themselves if I had been talking about myself from the time we met till the time we parted ways. So right after saying goodbye, I took 3 steps forward and then turned back and told him about my pet rabbit that ran away because my mum let him go thinking he'd come back but never did and how I cried for days just waiting by the door for it to come home and I was so angry at my mother but my 8 year old self didn't know what to do to show her I was angry and I didn't know how to look for it.

And then he said, "If your rabbit runs away and doesn't come back you cannot do anything except hope it is alright and get another rabbit." And I said, "I didn't get another rabbit." And he said, "I also didn't get another wife" And I said, "I know." And he didn't say anything so we were silent. It took me awhile before I realised what he was getting at so I said, "I'm sorry." and he said, "Aiya it's nothing! Come and visit me again ok?" and I said, "alright" but I didn't really mean it.

And then we waved goodbye for the second time and I left for real this time. He was a nice chap. 

I've been wanting to tell someone about him since but I didn't know how to verbalise it and it would seem weird anyway and dangerous because it is not right to simply follow someone home but I keep thinking about what he said and I'm so relieved it finally found its way out.

Maya Angelou

"I've learnt that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life". I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

The weather makes me want to dive under my blanket like the molerat I used to be while in the UK. Ashtray at hand, smoking a pack of rolies and sipping on a cup of tea with a torchlight to read a book like The Bell Jar, Jane Eyre or Catcher in the Rye.

Books.

Just so I remember what's in my NoQ cart so I can purchase them later when money comes in.

Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell

The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky

The Illumination by Kevin Brockmeier

Here's a giantass quote:

Everyone has his own portion of pain to carry. At first, when you are young, you imposed it on yourself. Then, when you are older, the world stepped in to impose it for you. You might be given a few years of rest between the pain you caused yourself and the pain the world made you suffer, but only a few, and only if you were lucky.

This Burns My Heart by Samuel Park

Set in post-war period revolving around a girl who made shit choices but turned out alright.

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by Joanne Greenberg

Stop Pretending by Sonya Sones

Aaaand... here's a quote:

Ready or not, here I come

I'm so tired of this dumb game of hide and seek

Olly Olly oxen free

Show yourself, you're scaring me

Come out, come out, where ever you are

You've taken this thing way too far

This must be karma for everything since 2006.

& I am exhausted.

I guess

when people said they would be upset should I disappear, they lied.

4:18am, Saturday morning.

Here's a drawing. It was therapeutic albeit insufficient but still the Green Girl says 'hello'. Here's a word from my brilliant vocabulary that accurately summarizes my past 2 days - suicidal - I know right. Here's what happens when you overdose on Propanalol. It does nothing! Maybe a slight light-headedness but no, no death. Here's what happens when you overdose on Carbimazole. Nothing! You'll vomit though. Here's why I have these drugs - hyperthyroidism. Here's what's been going on.


My life is worth - the left leg of an ant. My emotions are worth - a speck of dust among other dead cells nestled on the plastic sheets over an abandoned couch in a century-old forgotten place.
There are thoughts that scream the fuck out of my head and it's not alright. It's not alright at all but there is not a single soul to care.