Here's a picture

Taken by my ex, who happens to be a really great friend.

Hi ya'll, I'd just like to say that I am fucking delirious. I smoke a little too much, swear a little too much and go crazy a little too much these days but I am happy. There's so much going on I can barely catch my breath. I've been so caught up in myself I'd forgotten how it was like to live. If I should stay still, I'd see the tornado that is the world spiraling by me bringing along with it everything and everybody and all the fun I've missed out on and their laughter would slowly fade away so I have held my breath for awhile now trying to catch up and that is alright. 

The other day I encountered an elderly man climbing up the steps like he had a million backpacks to carry or something and I thought to myself that he ought to have an umbrella in this rain. Would you like to know how it feels like to offer help? It is fucking awkward. Or maybe that's just how I am. Awkward as hell. The conversation went like this:

"Um.. ah bang? Is it.. ah bang? Shit. I mean, not shit but yeah okay anyway HI. Uncle. It's raining. As you can see. Here's an umbrella."

And he took it from me like I was giving it to him. Which I would gladly have done if not for the fact that it wasn't my umbrella but my mum's. She loves her umbrellas. So I snatched it back and offered to walk him home.

While carrying the umbrella trying to balance it on my elbows and smoking with my other hand, I guided him through the rain, his footsteps going at the count of one followed by a hesitant two, which was by the way, really slow, he told me about his life. All about it. Old people just like to talk about themselves so there wasn't much for me to say except the occasional, 'mm' and 'cool'. On hindsight, I hope he understood what 'cool' meant. I hope he didn't think it meant, 'sex' or something like that or 'whatever'. Within those 20 minutes I felt like I had gone through a movie about his life but he didn't know anything about me and I thought I'd like a person to reveal at least something about themselves if I had been talking about myself from the time we met till the time we parted ways. So right after saying goodbye, I took 3 steps forward and then turned back and told him about my pet rabbit that ran away because my mum let him go thinking he'd come back but never did and how I cried for days just waiting by the door for it to come home and I was so angry at my mother but my 8 year old self didn't know what to do to show her I was angry and I didn't know how to look for it.

And then he said, "If your rabbit runs away and doesn't come back you cannot do anything except hope it is alright and get another rabbit." And I said, "I didn't get another rabbit." And he said, "I also didn't get another wife" And I said, "I know." And he didn't say anything so we were silent. It took me awhile before I realised what he was getting at so I said, "I'm sorry." and he said, "Aiya it's nothing! Come and visit me again ok?" and I said, "alright" but I didn't really mean it.

And then we waved goodbye for the second time and I left for real this time. He was a nice chap. 

I've been wanting to tell someone about him since but I didn't know how to verbalise it and it would seem weird anyway and dangerous because it is not right to simply follow someone home but I keep thinking about what he said and I'm so relieved it finally found its way out.